What toxic trait are you completely self aware of, but refuse to change about yourself because it hasn’t killed you yet? I’ll go first. Sacrificing the things that I love and want to do for the sake of being able to be the “yes man” for everyone else, but then still having a to do list a mile long because I’m a jack of all trades, master of none and I love adding things to my plate even when there’s not room. In other words, I love being in this constant state of being able to hold myself above water as pure torture just to see how far I can get myself to go. Awful right?
This month has been tough. I can’t remember the last time I did something I love just for the sake of doing it. I haven’t read a single book this month. I haven’t picked up a paint brush in lord knows how long. I haven’t swung my leg over a horse since March. I’ve written one blog post all month. And for those of you thinking I’m going off the deep end, it’s not that I’m not doing anything at all. As a matter of fact, I’ve done a lot this month. Bought some horses, sent some off to training, had three foals drop, stood by my childhood best friend on her wedding day, went to a concert during the CMA’s with some of my favorite people, watched my brother’s baseball team fight their way towards state in playoffs, worked my ass off at work, spent quality time with the people I love, the list is never ending, but I feel like I haven’t done anything for me. Is that selfish of me to say?
Yesterday I kept saying I didn’t feel like myself and then I realized that I haven’t done anything for myself to allow myself to feel a touch of normalcy. I realized I haven’t talked to my best friends as often as I should. I realized that I’m drowning myself in work and forgetting to live in the moment and celebrate the little things. I realized that not only am I my own worst critic, but that I’m a hypocrite, constantly advising the people I love to do the opposite of what I do for myself everyday. I realized that I’ve failed at showing myself grace, that I exhaust myself everyday and still wake up the next morning holding myself to the same standards and expectations as the day before, but not having the energy to do it. I realized that I’ve blacked out during some of the most amazing moments in the past several months because I’ve been so busy thinking about what tomorrow is going to bring or what’s on the to do list at least. I realized the world isn’t getting the best of me lately. Sad right?
What can I say? I’m only human? Anyways, enough about me, what’s your toxic trait that may or may not kill you?
Whether you actually answer that question or not, just know you’re loved, you’re enough and we can cowgal the fuck up and get through it together.
It’s good to be back babes.
xoxo, lex
Cowgal Chatter 